Saturday, October 9, 2010

Am I doing something wrong or am I actually doing something right?

When you find yourself in a situation where there are negativie common denominators, the norm would be to assume that it is you who are doing something wrong.
Relook the situation and you may be pleasantly surprised to find you are actually doing something right and all that did not serve you is removed from your world.
There are so many courses on self love, self healing, find yourself go on...stop being lost, know who you are...One day you do. You start picking at the issues in your life that have made you afraid...
You tackle them like a bull to a red cloth.
One by one...bit by pick, deal, understand and heal.
Surely your character that was moulded by past pain regains the shape you were born to inherit.  If this is the case, surely much that is in your past life did not serve you including people and when you change so does  your world and every one in it.
I have had a look at myself as an individual, sure I have made many mistakes, perhaps hurt some people in my path of self destruction.  BUT my heart is pure and the mistakes of my past were circumstantial to my survival mechanisms, they were not with intent.
Suddenly my world seems different.  I see people for who they are and not who they pretended to be.  I see them for the needs they had of me, the time they fed off me, or perhaps the times I needed them when my soul was broken.
Now my soul is whole, my heart no longer pains with disappointments.  I was helpless at times and my expectations, my neediness was rife.  It's all gone and the unconditional love I had exists now not because I am desperate for love or acknowlegement, it remains because that is who i was all the time.  A person that forgave everything, but sadly at the same believed it was all I deserved and it was all my fault.
My world seems different...there are those that enter because they need me, then they leave. My heart no longer aches so I don't search for them.  Not because I don't care but because I understand and accept why I existed in their space in the first place.  So I don't leave but I don't go to them either.  The integrity of my friendship questioned, tested, tested, tested over and over again. 
My heart simply says...if my existance is not missed, I was never really needed.  And thats ok, this is how the world is..people enter for a moment, a season or a lifetime.  I cannot create lifetimes on my own anymore, I don't want to, not because i love less, but because I love myself more.  I vote for me.
And if the me, I have finally grown to love does not serve your world then i should not be in it either.
Keep your heart pure always, for then you will see through new eyes, all that which is a moment and was never meant to be a lifetime.
I understand I am not perfect, I also know I am worth loving and if I am not perfect and I am not worth telling so I may fix that which you think I did wrong, then you really do not value my heart.
Surround yourself with peace, happiness and love always...
There is no need to hang onto negative energy, stubborness, you will lose so many that you truly love.

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